I’m being stalked by an online psychic. She started off quite nice when I clicked on the ad and said yes I’d like a free online psychic reading. Her site said she had to spend the night tuning into me then would send me the reading the next morning. When it arrived, it rambled on and on promising romance just around the corner, irresistible offers, a period of great creativity, exciting possibilities, an unexpected and wonderful gift, recognition for great professional achievement – everything short of a lottery win, basically, and all the things a girl wants to hear. I got a bit bored about half way through because she hadn’t exactly gone out of her way to come up with anything super exciting or useful and she’d spelt my name wrong so she can’t have been that tuned in. I didn’t take her up on the offer of another psychic reading at 25% off or 30% if I shared the offer with my friends. She wrote again a few times over the next couple of weeks with increasingly urgent subject lines about just how fabulous my life could be if I followed her guidance, signing each one “Your devoted friend, Tara”. “Great good fortune is at your doorstep,” she said, then “An urgent and personal message”, “Read this quickly, there is no time to waist” [sic], and “here at last is the solution to all your problems”. Then she seemed to think a different tack was needed if I was to stop my foolish, misguided ways and look, instead, to her for guidance. She told me “Something is happening”, “72 hours from now it will be too late” and “I have to help you make the right choice”. She felt “an urgent need to prepare your astral chart” after “a strange premonitory vision” and discovered that someone was out to harm me. She said she could tell me everything – how to “neutralize the harmful actions of someone close to you who wants to ruin your hopes and dreams, and turn your entire financial situation around and attain the balance and harmony of a happy life”. Yesterday’s instalment was “Do you want to face these terrible moments alone?” followed by a plea in block caps underlined four times to sign up for my “sensorial vision study and you ritual of ultimate protection, which we’ll have to perform as soon as possible”. All quite tantalizing stuff. I was going to block her, but I’m quite intrigued to know which armageddon is likely to befall me next.
She hasn’t been to my house, that I know of, but she does seem to think she’s seen into my soul which probably means more to her. I hope so – she’d be the most annoying person to have around. Sort of block caps with a falsetto delivery.